The struggle for control is at the heart of codependency. Codependency means that we care so much about keeping the peace that we will do whatever it takes to avoid making someone else angry or upset. We give our power away. At the same time, we may also be the ones trying to wield power over others in our lives.
Strangely enough, however, as codependents, we may not even realize we are in the middle of these power play dramas. Walking on eggshells, getting or giving guilt trips, and surrendering to someone else’s demands may feel as natural to us as breathing.
Fortunately, there is a way to stop these power plays.
The most important step is to begin building an awareness of our codependent behavior.
Pay attention to what you find yourself doing around certain people in order to get them to behave a certain way. What do they do to try to get you to behave a certain way? Use intimidating behavior? Have a short temper? Withhold affection?
By doing this, you will gain invaluable insight into your codependent triggers. Once you have your finger on them, you can start establishing a new belief system to help you take your power back.
Start Setting Boundaries.
Yes, this can be very scary if we have taken on a passive, codependent mindset. A boundary tells us and others that we are now willing to take a stand for ourselves. It sets a foundation that will help solve many codependent struggles and power plays.
Setting boundaries can look like many different things. Setting a boundary means that we will not accept certain behaviors from ourselves or from others. There are many ways to start:
Identify what messages you’re giving yourself and challenge them. Are they true? What do you believe about yourself that no longer fits? There is great power in our internal, mental dialogue.
Remind yourself as often as possible that someone else’s problems are NOT your problems. You can still care about them, of course. But you don’t have to be responsible for their behavior, their reactions, their attitudes, and the consequences they face due to the choices they’ve made. You are only responsible for yourself. You do not need to let their addictions, emotional issues, or other problems take power over your life.
Choose to affirm what is positive in your life, instead of wasting energy and draining your emotional power by affirming the negative.
Remind yourself that life is short. When you find yourself getting sucked into a codependent power play, step back and ask yourself if you want to waste the next ten, twenty, or more years giving into your partner’s subtle intimidation tactics. Likewise, do you want to keep believing the lies a family member tells to get you to enable them in addiction?
Be kind and patient with yourself. Recovery from codependency is a long journey. You don’t have to beat yourself up for mistakes you made in the past or when you violate boundaries you’ve set. Codependency was often a survival tactic for us in childhood. Now that you’re a grownup, you can find a stronger way to survive. If you fall, review the mental strategies discussed above and pick yourself back up.
Taking the reins back into our own hands can be very uncomfortable. But that is what recovery is so often about: finding comfort in discomfort. When you employ skills to resist power plays, you will find true, deep power. Real power is being yourself, not trying to get someone else to act a certain way, and not trying to act how you think someone else wants you to act.
True power is inner freedom.
If you’re struggling, please read more about codependency counseling to learn more about finding recovery and call or email to schedule an appointment.