Do your friends and family call you a perfectionist? Do you think of yourself as a perfectionist? The term gets used often to refer to somebody who pays great attention to detail or won’t stop working on something until it’s, well, perfect. Perhaps you feel pride at being known as someone who always gets it right. And maybe your friends and family truly do admire your commitment to excellence. But sometimes a commitment to excellence, to getting things right, can go too far. Sometimes it can cross the line from pride for a job well done into a harmful need to control and a harsh attitude of judgment toward oneself and others.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do our best. And there’s nothing wrong with making sure things are done thoughtfully and beautifully. But when your desire to have everything just so starts to intrude with what matters most, it’s time to reevaluate your perfectionistic tendencies.
The Need for Control
Whether behind your back or to your face, do your friends and family call you a control freak? Trying to have control over everything is a common characteristic of perfectionists. While it may seem like something small on the outside—making sure the birthday party is fabulously planned, for example—on the inside, it is something so much bigger. There’s a deeper reason for why you need to control everything.
Unrealistic Expectations
Do your loved ones ever say that they feel your expectations for them are too high? Do they mention you expect too much of yourself? If so, perfectionism may be part of the problem. Life, with all of its variables, will never go exactly as planned. Someone will be late due to traffic, a guest may spill their wine on your carpet, or your child may fail a test.
Observe your reaction to such situations. Do you focus more on the one small thing that was out of place than the 99 other things that were right? Do you let one imperfection ruin an overall lovely experience?
Negatively Affecting Relationships
One of the largest signs of being a perfectionism addict is that your need for perfectionism overrides what matters most: your relationships. Do you follow your kids around the house, putting everything back in place the minute they move from one room to another? Do you focus more on a beautiful home or personal appearance than on them?
Likewise, if your child’s performance (or even your own) isn’t up to snuff, do you resort to shame and anger as punishment? Or are you able to take a constructive, thoughtful approach?
Your Own Childhood
The roots of perfectionism often begin in childhood. Before you even knew what the word meant, you may have been displaying its characteristics. Review your own memories of school and your parents’ reactions to anything less than perfect. Reflect upon messages you received about how you should look, act, and dress. Were you overly sensitive to even small mistakes you made as a child? Did you feel like you would no longer be loved or accepted if you had one thing wrong? Maybe your parents withheld affection or rewards rather than praising you for what you did do right.
Accompanying Issues
Perfectionists may also struggle with depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders. They may find it impossible to relax. They may be incredibly concerned with what other people think about them, even if it’s people who don’t truly matter in their life.
Being a perfectionism addict is not an enjoyable way to live. It’s stressful; you never able to feel satisfied or good enough.
If you notice any of these traits in yourself and wish you could find a way to break free, I encourage you to call my office. Please contact me soon for more information about drug and alcohol counseling. I have many years of experience helping people identify and heal the reasons underneath their perfectionism.