Few things—indeed, perhaps nothing—can devastate a relationship like infidelity.
We like to believe that our marriages or partnerships are a place of emotional safety and security. In a world that can be lonely and hard, we yearn for the warmth and trust of a committed relationship.
Sadly, affairs happen all too often, even in the happiest of long-term partnerships. Relationships, like people, are imperfect. Husbands and wives are not always faithful.
However, couples have a choice in how they respond to infidelity. While the popular view is that an affair usually means the end of a relationship, it doesn’t always have to be that way. If both are willing to put in the work, infidelity can provide deeper growth and understanding.
Understanding Underlying Causes Can Lead to Growth
It is true that some affairs happen because of uncontrolled physical attraction. But often, there’s much more to it than that. Many factors can wear on a marriage. Work stress, illness, children, and more strain affection and connection. After the honeymoon stage wears off, people may not be prepared for the emotional effort required to sustain a healthy relationship.
The long-standing belief that finding “the one” right partner will bring completion and perfection to life can also set people up for affairs. Putting unrealistic expectations on the power of marriage to fix everything else lacking in life is unrealistic. But our culture continues to champion this idea in movies and tv shows (even if it portrays affairs just as frequently!).
Partners also bring their own emotional and psychological challenges with them to marriage. It makes sense that they will play out in an intimate relationship. The unresolved emotional fallout from their own childhoods can damage a marriage. Codependency often leads people to have very weak boundaries. They try to keep everyone else happy so they can be liked, but end up resenting it. Or what starts as a workplace friendship evolves into an affair when either person forgets to maintain healthy boundaries.
It’s easy to see how such factors can lead to affairs. And that is the point here: an affair can be the impetus to seek emotional healing and maturity. With effort, infidelity can lead to better emotional health for each individual and in the relationship. Such efforts are best done with the guidance of a counselor, however.
Staying Isn’t Weakness
When one person cheats and the other finds out, there are typical expectations for what happens next. But these typical expectations can be overcome. It is a script that the couple does not have to follow.
In one scenario, the cheater may be filled with remorse. They apologize profusely and ask the other to stay. But should they stay? Common wisdom might say no. After all, they’ve been betrayed at the deepest levels. Wouldn’t they be a fool to stay? Won’t people think they’re weak if they don’t kick the cheater out?
Likewise, it’s often expected that the cheater will leave. After all, they must not really want to be with their partner. Won’t they look weak if they stay in an unhappy marriage?
But deciding to stay after an affair, whether the cheater or the cheated-upon, is not a sign of weakness. An affair does not have to mean the end of the relationship. Rather, staying can be a sign of courage and an openness to growth.
It’s time to rethink cultural scripts and expectations of marriage and infidelity.
Has your relationship been impacted by infidelity, whether yours or your partner’s? If you want to try to work things out or aren’t sure what to do, I’m here to help. I’ve walked many couples through the aftermath of affairs. Please know that there is hope and that I’d be honored to come alongside you in this stage of life. Contact me today for a free consultation and to learn more about couples therapy.