The word narcissism is used frequently today. It’s used so much, in fact, that people often don’t have a sense of what it truly means. It’s easy to describe people as narcissistic. When we say that, we usually mean that they’re selfish. Someone seems overly focused on their own wants and needs. We might mean they want everything to revolve around them. They get mad when things don’t revolve around them.
Sometimes these can all be true of an actual narcissist, but often narcissism is just a handy phrase we use indiscriminately. The reality is usually so much deeper than that.
Grandiosity
Because of the overuse of the word narcissism, it can be helpful to take a step back and use a different lens. Some therapists suggest asking yourself if a person displays grandiosity. Grandiosity looks like many things. They include the belief that oneself is more important than everyone else—smarter, stronger, and better. A grandiose person takes over conversations. They belittle and mock those who disagree with them. They believe they are way more than they really are. People like them are the reason the phrase “delusions of grandeur” came into existence.
The Roots of Narcissism
Now that we’ve reframed the definition of narcissism with the definition of grandiosity, let’s examine it a little more.
Due to strong cultural links and the long history of patriarchal attitudes toward women, narcissists tend to be men. Grandiose or narcissistic personalities form during the childhood and teenage years. Various factors can contribute, including genetics, environment, and family relationships. Children soak up the relational examples they see in their parents. They develop coping skills to deal with what’s inappropriate and overbearing. Sometimes, narcissism becomes a coping tool. Sometimes, boys imitate their narcissistic fathers. After all, they don’t have any other example.
Hiding behind the bluster and self-righteous fury of a narcissist, however, is often a scared, hurt little boy. They may have been frequently shamed in childhood. They likely have deep insecurities. They need love and acceptance but likely don’t have the words or self-awareness to recognize that.
How Narcissism and Grandiosity Affect Relationships
A narcissistic personality is often “balanced” by a codependent personality. As mentioned above, narcissists are typically men. These men often marry codependent women. Narcissists expect their partners to obey them unquestionably. They are always right and never wrong. A narcissist’s needs are always more important than their partner’s needs.
Codependents often have no idea that there is something wrong with their partner. They tend to think the problem is themselves. Of course, the reason they think the problem is themselves is that they’ve been told so repeatedly by their narcissistic partner! But the codependent partner knows they’re unhappy. They want more from their narcissistic partner than they’re getting.
Again, cultural and societal norms surrounding the roles of men and women also come into play here.
The first step in dealing with a narcissistic partner is to actually recognize you’re dealing with one. If you have a codependent personality, this can be incredibly difficult. Standing up to such a partner and asking them to change can be scary and intimidating. In fact, having the support of a skilled couples counselor during this process may be absolutely necessary.
Fortunately, with persistence and support from the right therapist, it can be possible to create change in narcissistic relationships. Working with a narcissist requires different therapeutic approaches than with the general population. It also requires a therapist with a strong, confident personality, whether male or female.
If you’re struggling with your partner and believe they may be a narcissist, I urge you to reach out to me to learn more about codependency therapy. I’m here to help you both find your way forward.