When you think about your relationship with your partner, do you feel like your relationship is still defined by traditional gender roles? Or do you feel like there are more openness and equanimity in your relationship than there was for couples in decades and centuries past?
Many individuals have taken it for granted that heterosexual marriages have moved beyond stifling, black and white expectations of each gender. Each partner’s career, interests, and needs are considered equally valid. With the gains made in gender equity in the last decades, even couples therapists may have thought that marriage was moving beyond harmful stereotypes.
According to well-known therapist Terry Real, however, all of that changed when Donald Trump was elected president.
Sexism at the Top
No matter one’s political persuasion, it’s impossible to ignore the hurtful, sexist things that Trump has said and done regarding women. For many women who’ve been sexually assaulted or discriminated against, having him in office is emotionally painful. In him, they see the same chauvinistic, traumatizing behavior that their former (or current) boyfriends or husbands displayed.
Even if sexual discrimination or harassment hasn’t been your personal experience, it’s still deeply disturbing to see a man who has said blatantly sexist, derogatory comments leading the country.
Normalizes Sexism
Having a man who is blatantly disrespectful toward women in the nation’s top position normalizes this behavior for other men. Terry Real describes this as traditional patriarchy. In traditional patriarchy, there’s still that firm dividing line between what’s considered masculine and what’s considered feminine. And men’s opinions, decisions, needs, and wants are still considered to be more important than those of women.
Hurts Both Genders
Trump’s example of traditional patriarchy is harmful to both men and women. It can make people think sexist behavior is ok. It can give men an ego boost. After all, if the president behaves that way, why can’t they?
But men and women both get the short end of the stick in this model. Men end up living their lives in a shame-fueled cycle of performance and machismo. They are unable to sense their own emotions, beyond anger or lust. Women either push their hurt feelings down or erupt in anger. They deny their own emotions as well.
“Generous Gentlemen”
Terry Real proposes that a helpful way to help men learn to reframe their approach to their wives through a concept called the generous gentlemen. Many husbands in therapy struggle to know how to change the way they interact with their wives. Whether they realize it or not, they’re often very self-centered. They often admit that they have no idea how to communicate more deeply with their wife.
But most people are familiar with the construct of a gentleman. A gentleman can be caring, thoughtful, and self-sacrificing—without being considered feminine. Men who live under the rules of traditional patriarchy are terrified of doing anything that appears feminine. But through approaching a mindset change through the generous gentleman, Terry Real has helped men make real strides.
Relational Mentors
Another approach that Terry Real finds helpful is to tell wives that they (the therapist) will now be the husband’s “relational mentor.” The therapist will provide feedback and direction to the husband so that the wife can relax and learn to enjoy her husband again.
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Traditional patriarchal approaches to marriage put a strain on the relationship. They can drive both individuals apart and make it impossible for anyone to be in touch with what’s really going on in their hearts. They create hurt feelings, confusion, and disconnect. As a therapist, it’s my duty to help educate my clients on a healthier way of relating to each other. If you recognize yourself in these situations and want to talk more, I encourage you to read more about counseling for couples and reach out to my office.