For as often as the term is used, most people don’t really understand what codependency is. Stop and ask yourself what it means to you. Can you explain it? Could you identify its symptoms and causes? When you try to do this, you might find that it’s not as clear cut as you thought it was.
Understanding codependency can go a very long way toward understanding your own mental health. It can give you new insight into the behavior of other people as well. If you’re plagued by feelings of not belonging, of desperately wanting others’ approval, learning about codependency is an important step.
What It Is
Codependency is a belief that you have to act a certain way in order to make people like you. Or it could be that you feel a need to be extremely polite and accommodating so that people don’t get angry at you. There are many variations of this same idea. All of them have to do with the desire to not get anyone upset, to be liked.
You’re afraid that if you say or do the wrong thing, you’ll be rejected. Deep down, you feel like there’s something fundamentally flawed with you. Fitting in with others seems like an unattainable goal.
Roots of Codependency
Ultimately, codependency is rooted in shame. It begins in childhood when forces beyond your control send you the message that something is wrong with you (even though it isn’t really). Usually, these messages come from your parents and their own unresolved emotional issues.
For example, maybe your dad got mad if you didn’t do your chores the right way. Maybe you saw your mom full of anxiety as she tried to keep him happy. Children internalize the emotional states of their parents very easily. With time, you learned what not to say or do to avoid being yelled at or shamed. These tendencies carry into adulthood.
Codependency is also often associated with addictions. It happens when everyone tries to hide a family member’s substance use or gambling, putting on a happy face to hide the tumult in the family. The very phrase codependent means that someone is a co-partner in helping an addict live their lies.
How Codependents Behave
When someone struggles with codependency, it comes through in their behavior. Many codependents live their lives making sure they don’t do anything to upset other people. They become so good at adapting to the needs and wants of others that they don’t even know what their own preferences are. They don’t speak their mind, they always let others go first, and they live in terror of offending anyone.
These types of behaviors are a codependents’ way of trying to control a situation. Indeed, attempts at control are another huge part of codependency. You control your own behavior to try to manipulate a situation for your desired outcome (i.e., not getting yelled at). If family members behave in a way that you fear will upset the status quo, you’ll try to control them as well.
How to Heal
It’s very easy to see how codependency is harmful to relationships: friends, spouses, children, parents, extended family. You get caught up in a cycle of control, shame, and people-pleasing. In terms of your own life, you are its ultimate victim. Codependency prevents you from feeling comfortable in your own skin. It makes you doubt yourself and second-guess yourself at every opportunity. In addition, you may become a control freak. Your life can start to feel as though it is lived on the edges.
Fortunately, you can find healing from codependency. With education and intentionality, you can also find your autonomy again. It’s definitely a process, but it’s completely worth it to find the authentic you. You can break free from the unfair expectations that you and others hold of yourself.
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Finally, if you think codependency is an issue in your life and are ready to tackle it, I encourage you to read more about therapy for codependency and reach out to my office for support.