The work of couples counselor Terry Real has provided new understandings of the role of boundaries in healthy relationships. He divides boundaries into containment boundaries and protective boundaries. Having strong self-esteem is vital to maintaining healthy limits in relationships.
Unfortunately, all too often, intimate partners suffer from their own underlying insecurities and emotional wounds. When this is the case, partners can have overly rigid boundaries or boundaries that are too diffuse (weak). These individual issues play out within the relationship. This happens in the form of what Terry Real calls “losing strategies.”
When a partner chooses these behaviors, they are choosing a maladaptive reaction. These reactions tell the other partner that the relationship isn’t as important as the other partner’s needs and desires. Likewise, they tell the other partner that they themselves aren’t as important as the unhealthy demands of the other.
Terry Real identifies the following five losing strategies below:
1. Needing to be Right
Sadly, one or both partners may be trapped by their rigid boundaries. As a result, they may have an overwhelming need to be right all of the time. This need is so strong that it will override all priorities regarding the relationship. When someone is too invested in being right at all costs, it’s easy to see how this will be damaging to an intimate partnership. The other person will always feel belittled and disrespected. They will not feel as though their partner values them, their feelings, or their needs more than they value being right and feeling superior.
2. Being Overly Controlling
It’s probably obvious to you that this losing strategy is closely related to needing to be right. However, being controlling goes a step further. A partner becomes overly controlling when they try to change the behavior, thoughts, and decisions of the other to match their own.
Being overly controlling sends many unhealthy messages to the other partner. It clearly communicates that one partner doesn’t trust the capabilities of the other. It can also indicate that a person is threatened and intimidated if someone doesn’t act the way they want. Both of these behaviors are strong signs that unhealthy boundaries are at work in a relationship.
3. Expressing Unbridled Emotion
Showing a lack of restraint with one’s negative emotions is a sure way to show the other person that their feelings must take a back seat. This tendency also communicates that the overall health of the relationship is constantly susceptible to upset.
This is another obvious outgrowth of the first two losing strategies. If someone always has to be right and wants to control the other person, they often resort to righteous indignation and unrestrained displays of emotion to get their way. Such behavior indicates that they aren’t secure establishing their own boundaries, let alone honoring their partner’s limits.
4. Reacting with Retaliation
Of course, it makes sense that the first three losing strategies aren’t likely to really get someone what they want from their partner. They won’t strengthen the relationship. When an emotionally unhealthy person experiences “failed attempts” at managing the relationship through such behavior, retaliation is the next obvious strategy.
As with the other strategies, retaliation is indicative of both poor containment boundaries and poor protective boundaries. It shows that one doesn’t value oneself or their partner.
5. Engaging in Withdrawal
Withdrawing from a relationship is closely related to reacting with retaliation. If someone doesn’t get what they want, they may try to punish the other partner by shutting down and closing them off. This doesn’t do anything to strengthen the relationship.
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Familiarity with Terry Real’s five losing strategies is an important tool when it comes to understanding your own relationship. If boundary issues are at play due to insecurity and mistrust, there are things you can do. Attending to your individual emotional needs separately is often a good first place to start. If you and your partner are struggling, it is possible to find your way back, heal, and thrive.
As a couples counselor, I’ve worked with many partners to help them find balance and harmony in their relationships. Find out more about couples counseling and please reach out to my office today.