You don’t have to be alive for long on this earth to figure out that love is hard. From elementary school crushes that go south within a few days and on throughout adulthood, relationships are difficult. You probably know many marriages that you thought would never end in divorce, and yet, they did. Perhaps you’re in this situation yourself. Couples spend hours and lots of money seeking help for their struggling relationships. Authors write books trying to explain why men and women are so different. It’s clear that love isn’t easy. And it’s worth trying to understand why.
Changes in Society’s View of Marriage
The last century or two have seen an enormous shift in how western society views romance and marriage as a whole. Closely chaperoned dates and relatively short courtship periods have been replaced by long stretches of dating with many people content to live together rather than go through formalities. The purpose of marriage in many ways has changed. Rather than see it as an important part of providing societal structure and stability, relationships are now more about personal fulfillment.
Marriage, we think, is meant to complete us and provide deep, lasting joy. It should be a magical experience.
We Look to Someone Else for Meaning
Cultural changes have also meant that we put way too much importance on what a romantic partner thinks of us. When we fall in love, suddenly our life seems more exciting. We experience wonderful feelings of affection and infatuation. It’s not a stretch to say that we think we’ve finally found fulfillment and the missing piece of the puzzle we were looking for when we find our partner.
Unfortunately, though, no single person can be all of this. It may feel like it for a time. But we need to remember that only we are responsible for our life’s meaning. We matter whether we have a romantic partner or not. It can come as a shock when relationships lose their luster.
We Expect Too Much
It’s hard for any relationship to hold up under the weight of enormous expectations. But, again, with changes in our culture in the last century, romantic partnerships and marriage have taken on enormous expectations. Popular culture often shows us airbrushed versions of romance in movies and television shows. And a more mobile society means that we don’t necessarily have the supportive community around us that people used to. We think our partner should be able to meet all of our needs for interaction, love, and belonging. But they can’t. We need to be part of a bigger world; we need to nurture other friendships.
No one person can magically make our life better and then keep it that way. Everyone will make big mistakes and fail in many ways. The question is, how will we respond when they do?
We Think Relationships Are Consumables
Unfortunately, living in an extremely consumeristic society means that we’ve started to view our relationships that way as well. When we get bored or upset with our partners, we start to wonder if it’s worth staying in the relationship. After all, why be stuck with what doesn’t fit right anymore? Right?
But relationships really do take deep effort and deep commitment, if we ever hope to find the lasting fulfillment that we want them to provide. We need to be responsible for our own growth and maturity. Hopefully, this is a journey that we can take together with our partners. When we give each other grace and understanding, it opens up room for the kind of connection and intimacy we yearn for.
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If you and your partner are struggling and don’t know what to do, I encourage you to reach out. I’ve walked many couples through hard times and can provide the guidance you need to find healing and clarity. Find out more about couples therapy and please reach out to my office today.