You’ve probably heard about the importance of boundaries when it comes to our emotional health as individuals. The same applies when it comes to relationships. Even in marriage and long-term partnerships, maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial to the health of each person. This might sound counterintuitive since the intimacy of these partnerships almost implies that boundaries would be less. After all, when you pledge your life to someone and share everything, the idea of boundaries can sound selfish. But they’re not.
The work of couples therapist Terry Real offers an insightful understanding of the role of boundaries in relationships. He has taken the traditional view of boundaries but expanded it with new ideas that bring the concepts alive.
What Are Boundaries?
Understanding what boundaries really are is necessary to have a full appreciation of Terry Real’s approach.
On a basic level, emotional boundaries mean that we are able to separate our own feelings from those of others. We can take a step back when others are trying to make us feel guilty, ashamed, or responsible for something that really isn’t our problem. We can empathize with them, but we don’t need to let their issues control us.
Likewise, we are able to understand that our own emotions are not the responsibility of other people. We learn to take responsibility for addressing our own problems.
Healthy boundaries actually allow relationships to flourish and grow. They make room for both partners to experience a healthy, close relationship. Terry Real has developed the idea of two types of boundaries in relationships.
Containment Boundaries
Containment boundaries essentially work to help partners control any negative reactions they have toward each other. If partners have weak containment boundaries, they often take out their hurt feelings on each other. Such behavior clearly tears at the fabric of a healthy relationship.
In a way, you might say that containment boundaries are the ability of someone to control themselves when upset and still treat the other with respect. If someone does not have good containment boundaries, they may become very self-righteous, contemptuous, angry, and belittling toward the other partner.
Protection Boundaries
On the flip side of the boundary coin, protection boundaries help a partner literally protect themselves from the negativity they might experience from each other. They don’t allow verbal attacks to affect their sense of self-esteem. In spite of being shamed by the other partner, their sense of self-worth remains strong. They can see demands and retaliatory behavior for what it is. Protection boundaries let people maintain their own autonomy even while in an intimate relationship.
Self-Esteem
Importantly, having a strong sense of self-esteem has a lot to do with being able to set and maintain both types of boundaries. When someone doesn’t let their failures and weaknesses define them but remembers they are still valuable, they are a healthier partner.
In Terry Real’s understanding of boundaries, this means that partners can assert themselves in a healthy way but still respect their partners emotionally, knowing they are equals. He calls this the “same-as” position. Partners are able to respect themselves and their own needs without belittling the other partner. This makes space in the relationship for the intimacy and closeness both partners desire.
It’s easy to see how one’s own emotional issues and insecurities can get in the way of healthy boundaries. Addressing these underlying factors can go a long way in restoring a relationship.
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Are you and your partner struggling? Do you think poor boundaries are contributing to problems in your relationship? If so, I encourage you to reach out to my office and read more about how I practice counseling for couples. As an experienced couples counselor, I’ve helped many partners find a way to healing and emotional closeness.