Learning to set boundaries in our relationships doesn’t come easily or naturally for many people. Deep down, we all have a desire to be loved and liked. This need can lead us to put up with behavior from others that isn’t good for us. Likewise, if we grew up in a dysfunctional family, our ability to set boundaries is often hindered. If our parents were overly critical, controlling, or emotionally needy, we weren’t given the chance to learn boundaries. The basic idea of boundaries may be completely unfamiliar. And it can be more of a challenge for certain personalities than others.
Like so many things, though, you can learn to set appropriate boundaries as an adult. It may not feel natural; it may feel awkward. But it is possible. Here are some helpful first steps on your journey:
Understand Codependency
Although this term is often used, many really have no idea what codependency is. Understanding what it is can be a very helpful first step in identifying which boundaries may be blurred in your life.
Codependency can look like many things. Essentially, it means that people try to control others through varying behaviors. Often, this behavior is unconscious and motivated by the need to emotionally protect oneself.
Identify Your Boundaries
Take time to examine your relationships. Do certain patterns stand out? Do you find yourself pulled into doing things you don’t enjoy or want to do? Look for those relationships where you feel disrespected. Consider why you feel that way. Make a list of relationship patterns you’d like to change through your own behavior. Honor what is most important to you and your needs.
Listen to Yourself
If you have never learned how to set good boundaries, tuning into your own intuition, wants, and needs can be difficult. But with practice, you can do it. Pay attention to those interactions that you dread. Notice what you hate spending your time on due to others’ unrealistic needs or demands.
Don’t Be Afraid to Say No
Being a people pleaser is often a sign that you have weak boundaries. As mentioned, if you grew up in an angry or neglectful family, you may be afraid to make your own decisions. You worry that not giving in to another’s preferences means that they’ll get angry at you or even leave you. So it’s easy for others to keep the upper hand in a relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, or even friendship.
When you start to tell others that you don’t agree with them, don’t feel like doing what they want you to do, or that you need time to yourself, you may step on their toes. You may be uncomfortable. But with practice, you’ll notice how much better you feel.
You Are Not Responsible for Other’s Feelings
This concept can be a hard one to learn. And no, it doesn’t mean that you should be rude, intentionally hurt others’ feelings, or become disrespectful. It is an important step in learning to set healthy boundaries, though.
Essentially, you needn’t allow others to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. You may not even be aware that they do this, and vice versa. Manipulation can be subtle and automatic. Refer back to the above point of learning to say “no.”
Counseling
Disentangling yourself from the web of codependency and weak boundaries can be a challenge. This is especially true if you were taught this habit from childhood. Poor boundaries often lead to addictions and compulsive behaviors as a way to self-medicate. They can lead to relationships that are emotionally and physically abusive.
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Working with a therapist can offer profound benefits if you recognize yourself in any of these behaviors. A therapist provides a neutral, professional perspective on the emotions that pull you back and forth. They can help you dissect unhealthy relationships and make a plan to build stronger boundaries.
Are you ready to start setting stronger boundaries?
Please contact me soon for more information about counseling for codependency, I’m here to help. Together we can work through ideas and strategies for taking better care of yourself and healing your relationships. I look forward to hearing from you soon.