Are you at a point in your marriage where you’re torn between filing for divorce or trying to work things out? If so, you’re probably overwhelmed with questions and confusion. Making this decision is never easy.
So many factors can come into play. You’re likely contemplating the length of your marriage, whether or not you have children, and how long the relationship has been struggling. If your family’s financial stability depended on one partner’s income money might also weigh heavily on your mind. Infidelity, a partner’s addictions, and other influences may also be factors.
Chances are you feel paralyzed by indecision. You fear leaving, but you also fear staying. You may be experiencing a whole gamut of emotions you can’t even process coherently.
You’re at a crossroads: should you stay or should you go?
Trying to see things from all angles, with the big picture in mind is exhausting. Sometimes, you feel stuck and can’t see a clear way forward in your marriage. Other times, you may feel too invested to leave. Depending on your situation, your spouse may know nothing of how you’re feeling. If they do, they may not want a divorce at all.
What Are You Afraid Of?
Often, fear is at the root of this kind of paralysis.
Have you taken the time to really examine your feelings? Can you specifically identify what you’re afraid of? Is a particular fear preventing you from making a decision?
Often the decision to divorce is mixed up with anxious worries that the potential for love may never come again. Maybe you worry that you’ll be extremely unhappy if you leave or that you’ll never find happiness. Perhaps you wonder if you’ll ever be able to find another long-term partner, or worse, that you’ll spend the rest of your life alone.
Understanding the Push-Pull Dance
Living in this kind of marital limbo can create a strange relationship dynamic. Whether or not your spouse knows that you’re considering divorce, they can probably sense your distance. This creates confusion and anxiety on their part. As a result, they may try to draw closer to you.
Yet, when they do this, your uncertainty about the relationship makes you pull away all the more. In time, your partner may become exhausted trying to connect with you. So then they are the one who pulls back. This, in turn, prompts you to draw closer, because even if you aren’t sure if you should stay, you aren’t quite ready to lose them.
Working toward true clarity on the relationship is vital.
Understand Your Role
It can be very easy to laser focus on your spouse’s faults and how they have harmed the relationship.
Are you afraid to look at your role in any struggles? You aren’t alone. Still, to see your relationship clearly and take wise decisions, examine your own role in the situation.
Take time to carefully consider how you may have contributed to the problem. (This does not, of course, mean that you’re responsible for your spouse’s infidelities, abuse, or emotional problems). Running from a marriage won’t solve everything; you will still have your own baggage to deal with. Sometimes admitting your own faults and working on them individually can create clarity.
What Forces Outside the Marriage Are Creating Stress?
Unfortunately, it’s easy to take out problems on our spouse or our marriage when the root cause is something else. Has work been especially stressful? Have you lost promotions or experienced conflict in the office? Perhaps your children are at a very trying stage or your aging parents have added to your responsibilities.
It’s crucial to look at factors beyond the marriage itself to see what might be addressed to ease the pressure, disconnect, and unhappiness.
Individual Counseling
If you find yourself paralyzed for a long time and in great distress about making a decision, consider reaching out to a counselor. Having someone else to talk to is important. They can offer helpful guidance and support a healthy, informed perspective.
Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling can be very helpful for people in your position. It isn’t marriage counseling. Rather, it’s specifically intended to help people decided whether or not to file for divorce. Having a professional therapist walk you through questions like these, as well as others, can bring much-needed clarity and insight. It’s a short-term process involving both partners.
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If you’re struggling with whether or not to stay or go, don’t hesitate to contact my office. This is a stressful time and professional support is worth seeking. I encourage you to reach out. I’ve walked many couples through hard times and can provide the guidance you need to find healing and clarity. Find out more about counseling for couples and please reach out to my office today.