Watching a family member or dear friend caught in the snares of an addiction is never easy. You hate to see them struggling. The possible consequences of their addiction weigh heavily on you: overdoses, car accidents, legal action, other health issues, job losses, financial ruin. You miss the person you know and love as they become hidden behind the veil of their addiction. Whether it’s substances, gambling, porn, or something else, addiction warps and twists the person struggling with it.
Of course, the people who love an addict also struggle. Their relationship with you has probably shifted greatly. While you want to help them, maybe you feel taken advantage of if they ask for money. Or maybe you have made the painful decision to cut them off entirely, or they have cut you off.
There are helpful steps to take to help you cope, however.
Take Care of Yourself
For people with caregiving personalities, taking care of yourself is often last on the list. You live to help others and would rather suffer than see someone else do so. You’re like a mother hen, wanting to gather the hurting and vulnerable to yourself.
Losing yourself in your loved one’s problems, though, doesn’t help them—or you. In order to cope well, you need to put your own needs first. You need to take care of yourself. This includes both your physical and emotional health.
Find Support for Yourself
Many, many people who love addicted people find support groups invaluable. When you connect and create bonds with people who know what you’re going through, you feel heard, validated, and empowered. Group members learn to lean on each other. They share wisdom and experience. Through support groups, you’ll often gain insight into how to help yourself cope and put your relationship into perspective. . You’ll get helpful tips for interacting with the addict as well.
Learn About Codependency
Codependency is a term that is frequently used in the addiction field. It refers to ways in which family members and friends unwittingly get caught up in the tangle of an addict’s emotional needs.
A large part of codependency revolves around the idea of emotional manipulation, even if the parties involved don’t realize what’s happening. Of course, by now, one or both of you may well be aware of how manipulative your situation is. Beyond helpful books and websites about codependency, an experienced therapist can provide helpful guidance and coping skills.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is often very difficult. This is even more true if you’re dealing with an addict who’s an integral part of your life. But in order to help yourself cope, it’s important to let them know what is and isn’t appropriate behavior when interacting with you.
This looks different for everyone. It could include refusing contact unless they’re sober, no borrowing or lending money, or maintaining very strict limits when your kids are around. Essentially, you need to respectfully and firmly let them know what you will and won’t tolerate.
Learn About Interventions
There are times when an addict’s family and friends will decide to stage an intervention. When this happens, it’s important to reach out to counselors with training in interventions. They have the knowledge needed to help make the intervention as smooth as possible. An intervention counselor will help you choose who to include at the meeting and rehearse what to say to the addict. Staging an intervention haphazardly or without professional guidance can backfire.
Individual Counseling
If a loved one’s addiction is causing you great distress, consider seeking counseling for yourself. You probably know firsthand how easy it is to get pulled into the drama and heartache of an addict’s life. A counselor can help you identify your own needs and take positive steps for your relationship with the addict going forward.
As an addiction counselor, I have worked with many people like yourself. Please read about codependency counseling. I’d love to talk with you if you’re ready to find out more.