Finding the balance between selfishness and selflessness in relationships can be tricky. Of course, you wonder, why would you want to be selfish? Isn’t selfishness bad? Think of the image of selflessness in parenthood and intimate relationships. Isn’t it best to put our own needs aside for the sake of a healthy relationship?
Possibly. But let’s pull apart the meaning of these concepts and look at them more closely. You’ll see that there’s more to navigate than you might think.
When Is Selflessness Bad?
Selflessness can be good at times. It helps us get through the sleepless nights of early parenthood, a partner’s long illness, and attending to elderly parents. Selflessness, at its best, teaches us patience, abiding love, and endurance.
But it’s easy to misunderstand what selflessness really is. Unfortunately, it’s often mistaken for something that it’s not. It’s then, that selflessness can become harmful.
Many people who have grown up in dysfunctional families develop a trait called codependency. This is when someone will modify their own wants and needs to be accepted. They avoid rocking the boat or making someone angry at them by bending and burying their wants and needs to accommodate someone else’s.
When this occurs, they hide their authentic self from themselves and those they love. They’re unable to share their real personality with others. Often, it becomes so much of a habit that they don’t even know what they want and need. When this happens, relationships suffer. True closeness, whether with a friend, romantic partner, or children, is cut off.
What About Selfishness?
On the flip side of selflessness is the trait of selfishness. You probably have a pretty good idea of what this concept looks like. Someone who insists on their own way, always goes first, and takes the best for themselves is considered selfish. Essentially, this person doesn’t stop to consider the needs of others. Others find them offensive and hurtful. In a relationship, we don’t want to be seen as selfish.
Yet, the concept of selfishness doesn’t have to always mean something negative. Rather, you can think of many of the associated behaviors as self-awareness and self-care. (Self-care, especially, can frequently be seen as selfish, but it’s what you need to do in order to be the best version of yourself).
To be clear, truly selfish inconsiderate people push others around. You don’t want to be a bully. But it’s ok to be able to identify and acknowledge what you want. Being assertive when needed is important. That isn’t pushing people around. It’s being transparent and direct.
Don’t Be a Doormat
How do you navigate these two extremes in relationships?
In a nutshell, refuse to be a doormat. Don’t hide your own interests and wants in order to please someone else. They may end up feeling like you’re too hard to get to know, or that your passiveness isn’t enjoyable. It can be scary to voice your preferences, but it’s vital for an authentic relationship to occur. If you think you’re verging on codependency, learn more about it.
With practice and help (often through therapy), you can learn to be more assertive. And this helps your relationships as much as it helps you. You’ll find more confidence; you’ll find your voice.
Don’t Be a Jerk
Obviously, being a doormat isn’t healthy for relationships. But swinging over to the unhealthy side of assertiveness can make you look pretty selfish. And this isn’t good for your relationships, either. Know yourself, but remember to pay attention to the needs and wants of those around you as well.
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As you learn how to navigate the balance between (unhealthy) selflessness and (unhealthy) selfishness, you may stumble now and then. That’s ok. Like any new skill, the more you practice, the better you’ll become at it.
If you’re struggling with these issues in your relationship, please reach out to my office to learn more about how we can work together.
Click here for more information on Therapy for Codependency.