People come and go throughout your lifetime. Someone you might've had your first crush on in middle school may have stayed as just a crush. You may have thought you found your person or your soulmate, only to be let down months or years later.
While it can be frustrating to spend your time and energy on a person and a relationship that didn't work out, it's what helps you find the right person — your person. As you grow, you figure out your own unique identity. You'll date people on and off, finding what you like and dislike.
This is how you can tune into what you really want in relationships.
Practice Self-Care
Before you can make room for someone else in your life, you need to make sure that there's enough room for yourself. You may have made yourself smaller to make your partner feel bigger in past relationships. It's time to put yourself first again. You can't help someone until you help yourself. Practicing self-care makes sure that you're going after your own wants and needs. You have to feel fulfilled on your own before you can make room for someone else in your life. Putting yourself first is crucial in determining what you really want out of a relationship, especially finding one that is healthy and long-lasting.
Start With Yourself
This may seem counterintuitive, but it's actually an essential step in finding out what you're really looking for in a relationship. The saying is true: You can't really love someone until you love yourself. Starting with yourself is a great way to figure out what you're looking for. Try to look inward and reflect on what you're truly looking for. You may even want to dig deeper into your past relationships. What worked? What didn't work? Make a list of the good, the bad, and the ugly. This look will help you be able to check off the boxes for when you're ready to start dating again.
Look at Other Relationships
The comparison game isn't a fun one. Comparing yourself to others can make you feel like you're not good enough or that the grass is greener. However, comparing your relationships to others you witness can be helpful when using it to determine what you're looking for. Consider the relationships between your family and friends. Look towards other healthy relationships as a guide to help you explore and decide what you're looking for. Observing how your family and friends treat one another in their own relationship can help you see that you deserve to be treated, respected, and loved as well.
Practice Mindfulness
When you're trying to look for a relationship, it's easy to be negative or extremely hard on yourself when reflecting back on past relationships that didn't work out. Try not to do this. You won't get anywhere by being stuck in the past. Instead, try practicing mindfulness to bring you back to the present moment. Here are just a few of the different ways that you can practice mindfulness:
Body scan
Deep breathing
Go for a walk outside
Meditation
Yoga
Ask for Help
It can be hard to dig deep and reflect on your past relationships. It may even be extremely difficult to pinpoint exactly what you're looking for. Therapy can be extremely beneficial to provide this insight into your own life. Talking with a trained and licensed outside third party can help provide a new perspective that you may not have considered. Whether single or in a relationship, therapy can be a great option to explore yourself and your relationships deeper. Reach out to us today to set up an initial consultation for codependency therapy.